How You Met:
You're not quite sure, because it didn't really make that much of an impact. But, you think the first time you met Brian was through your group of guy friends from the ninth grade. You were never really formally introduced, he was just always there. In fact, it kind of always seemed like he was just an extra body to have around the lunch table. We wish we could elaborate more here, but we just can't. It was that unremarkable.
Your Relationship Now:
Since ninth grade, Brian has laughed at approximately five of your jokes, given you a couple beers, and managed to wear the same Randy River button-up with skulls and flames waaaaaaaaay too often. So why are you still interested in maintaining a friendship? Because wet-blanket Brian has gotten more pooty-tang than Charlie Sheen. Speaking of Charlie Sheen, he may have something in common with Brian. Both are unattractive, with very mediocre personalities, but still manage to get their dicks wet on a regular basis without resorting to bribery, blackmail, or Chatroulette.
A list of Brian's Most Impressive Conquests are as follows:
1. Inga, the hot, tanned, blonde Swedish exchange student who spoke VERY little English, but seemed to be quite familiar with the male anatomy. So familiar that she would stammer about Brian's "pienus" and "bullsack" all through lunch hour, in turn, making him look like "the man" in front of all his friends.
2. Mrs. Boydan, the newly divorced 11th grade English teacher who had legs for miles and tits like cantaloupes, and was in desperate need of validation of her womanhood and sex appeal. Wet blanket Brian provided that...over and over and over again. At her place after school.
3. Stacey, the black swan who went away to visit her grandmother one summer and came back looking like she'd had a surgical procedure that funneled the fat from her stomach and her thighs straight into her tits n' ass (every girl's dream procedure.) She lost the glasses, lost the braces, and grew out her hair. Every boy in school would have given their bigger testicle to de-virginize this minx. But wet blanket Brian swooped in like a hawk and struck again. Stacey was entangled in this wet blanket. They dated for a year, and even more shocking, is that the only reason they broke up was because she went to Milan to become a model, and she said SHE'D get too jealous being in a long distance relationship.
4. Bianca, the funny, smart, gorgeous perfect human being, who always seemed to have her shit together. She could get any guy - but instead, she got blanketed...by Brian.
You used think that it might have been because he had a big dick. Be it's not. Because you've seen it. And it's not big. It's more of a pencil than a pop can. It's more of a spaghetti than a cannelloni. It's more of a straw than a banana. It's more of a worm than a snake. It's more of a twig than a tree trunk. It's more of a disappointment than anything else.
So you often sit and wonder to yourself - how the fuck does this floppy sock of a man get with all these hot dime pieces, while you can't even convince a grenade grundle chode to accompany you to the fall fair? The answer? We still don't know. Endless studies and experiments have been conducted with no conclusive results. Our hypothesis - ?????????
How Do You Deal?
Just accept that there are some things in life that you will never understand. And wet blankets with hotties are one of them. We think that when you enter the pearly gates of heaven, the answer to this will be whispered in your ear. So suck it up - cuz your shit ain't gettin' tighta'.
And whatever you do, don't settle for the grenade, grundle, chode. Snooki said not to.
Love Forever,
Sh-Bear, C-Monster and Jah-Day
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The Only Child Friend
How You Met:
First day of Kindergarten, you were minding your own business, when some booger-encrusted, tattle-tale came and stole your Malibu Barbie's Jeep. Shocked, you look at this princess bitch and asked her, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "Do what?" Had you been a twenty-three-year old menstruating young woman, this would have been the moment you realized that some parents use birth control, while some let a night of heavy tequila drinking followed by a handful of unprotected thrusts determine the rest of their life. But you were five, and all you thought was - I wanna tear this cunts nappy pigtails out of her skull, tie them around her neck, and then see how well she navigates the jeep.
After an intervention from the teacher, and a lesson about sharing (that went completely over Kylie's head), Kylie informed you of every single toy her over-protective parents had bought her: Baby-All-Gone, Baby-Born, Polly Pocket, Easy Bake Oven, Creepy Crawlers, Barbie's car, Barbie's life size car, and every single Beanie Baby that Ty could dream up. This seemed like a nice upgrade from the hand-me-downs you had been receiving your whole life: completely coloured colouring books, headless Tigger, Barbies with mohawks, one-legged Ken, your Dad's bio-hazard of a tool set, and large sheets of mostly popped bubble wrap. So you begged your distracted mother to let you go play with Kylie, while your brother was getting chased around the house for refusing to practice piano.
You loved Kylie's pool, her brand new puppy, her candy cupboard, and her en suite bathroom. However, you didn't love the endless supply of Sears portraits featuring Kylie in various sweaters and turtlenecks, gazing wistfully at her distant future (which hadn't been shattered by a crazy older sister. aka. Satan's Spawn). And you didn't love playing make-believe with her because you always had to play the dog, the mailman, the dad, the ugly troll, and the rug.
Your Relationship Now:
By some chance of God, your relationship survived through your tweens. But it always felt like she controlled the relationship. When you traded her an Oreo, she would give you a fingernail size portion of her Fruit Roll-Up. When you wrote History quizzes, she would copy and blame you if you got caught. When you went to the prom with Zack, the cute, but shy piece of ass from math class, she told you she was going to find out if he liked you. Instead, you caught her giving Zack his first hand job in the janitor's closet, which somewhat resembled a construction worker trying to drill through pavement. You almost cried, and so did Zack.
Now that you ARE a 23-year-old woman, she is still a fucking selfish, know-it-all, son of a penis gremlin, that is out to get hers. She doesn't give a rat's patoot about you or anyone else on this hell hole called earth. So what's stopping you from fucking over this stuck-up, merciless seagull's-ass? The fact that you feel sorry for her. Because, while you have a grip on reality, Kylie's only newspaper subscription is to the Kylie Times. Her biggest worry seems to be what race or game she can beat someone at. She's going to be very disappointed one day, when she wakes up and realizes she is an absolutely brutal human being and NO ONE is ever going to think she is as special as her fucking parents do. Not even her balding, pot-bellied husband, Lester.
How Do You Deal?
It's kind of like watching "A Walk To Remember." Painful, predictable, and a complete waste of your time. But what's better than watching this anal bead live a narcissistic, lonely life, which will later result in the biggest let down of the century? Probably watching it on HD in a lazy boy with popcorn.
This Friend Is Compatible With:
Their Parents
Themselves
Love Forever,
Sh-Bear and Jah-Day
First day of Kindergarten, you were minding your own business, when some booger-encrusted, tattle-tale came and stole your Malibu Barbie's Jeep. Shocked, you look at this princess bitch and asked her, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "Do what?" Had you been a twenty-three-year old menstruating young woman, this would have been the moment you realized that some parents use birth control, while some let a night of heavy tequila drinking followed by a handful of unprotected thrusts determine the rest of their life. But you were five, and all you thought was - I wanna tear this cunts nappy pigtails out of her skull, tie them around her neck, and then see how well she navigates the jeep.
After an intervention from the teacher, and a lesson about sharing (that went completely over Kylie's head), Kylie informed you of every single toy her over-protective parents had bought her: Baby-All-Gone, Baby-Born, Polly Pocket, Easy Bake Oven, Creepy Crawlers, Barbie's car, Barbie's life size car, and every single Beanie Baby that Ty could dream up. This seemed like a nice upgrade from the hand-me-downs you had been receiving your whole life: completely coloured colouring books, headless Tigger, Barbies with mohawks, one-legged Ken, your Dad's bio-hazard of a tool set, and large sheets of mostly popped bubble wrap. So you begged your distracted mother to let you go play with Kylie, while your brother was getting chased around the house for refusing to practice piano.
You loved Kylie's pool, her brand new puppy, her candy cupboard, and her en suite bathroom. However, you didn't love the endless supply of Sears portraits featuring Kylie in various sweaters and turtlenecks, gazing wistfully at her distant future (which hadn't been shattered by a crazy older sister. aka. Satan's Spawn). And you didn't love playing make-believe with her because you always had to play the dog, the mailman, the dad, the ugly troll, and the rug.
Your Relationship Now:
By some chance of God, your relationship survived through your tweens. But it always felt like she controlled the relationship. When you traded her an Oreo, she would give you a fingernail size portion of her Fruit Roll-Up. When you wrote History quizzes, she would copy and blame you if you got caught. When you went to the prom with Zack, the cute, but shy piece of ass from math class, she told you she was going to find out if he liked you. Instead, you caught her giving Zack his first hand job in the janitor's closet, which somewhat resembled a construction worker trying to drill through pavement. You almost cried, and so did Zack.
Now that you ARE a 23-year-old woman, she is still a fucking selfish, know-it-all, son of a penis gremlin, that is out to get hers. She doesn't give a rat's patoot about you or anyone else on this hell hole called earth. So what's stopping you from fucking over this stuck-up, merciless seagull's-ass? The fact that you feel sorry for her. Because, while you have a grip on reality, Kylie's only newspaper subscription is to the Kylie Times. Her biggest worry seems to be what race or game she can beat someone at. She's going to be very disappointed one day, when she wakes up and realizes she is an absolutely brutal human being and NO ONE is ever going to think she is as special as her fucking parents do. Not even her balding, pot-bellied husband, Lester.
How Do You Deal?
It's kind of like watching "A Walk To Remember." Painful, predictable, and a complete waste of your time. But what's better than watching this anal bead live a narcissistic, lonely life, which will later result in the biggest let down of the century? Probably watching it on HD in a lazy boy with popcorn.
This Friend Is Compatible With:
Their Parents
Themselves
Love Forever,
Sh-Bear and Jah-Day
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