How You Met:
You're not quite sure, because it didn't really make that much of an impact. But, you think the first time you met Brian was through your group of guy friends from the ninth grade. You were never really formally introduced, he was just always there. In fact, it kind of always seemed like he was just an extra body to have around the lunch table. We wish we could elaborate more here, but we just can't. It was that unremarkable.
Your Relationship Now:
Since ninth grade, Brian has laughed at approximately five of your jokes, given you a couple beers, and managed to wear the same Randy River button-up with skulls and flames waaaaaaaaay too often. So why are you still interested in maintaining a friendship? Because wet-blanket Brian has gotten more pooty-tang than Charlie Sheen. Speaking of Charlie Sheen, he may have something in common with Brian. Both are unattractive, with very mediocre personalities, but still manage to get their dicks wet on a regular basis without resorting to bribery, blackmail, or Chatroulette.
A list of Brian's Most Impressive Conquests are as follows:
1. Inga, the hot, tanned, blonde Swedish exchange student who spoke VERY little English, but seemed to be quite familiar with the male anatomy. So familiar that she would stammer about Brian's "pienus" and "bullsack" all through lunch hour, in turn, making him look like "the man" in front of all his friends.
2. Mrs. Boydan, the newly divorced 11th grade English teacher who had legs for miles and tits like cantaloupes, and was in desperate need of validation of her womanhood and sex appeal. Wet blanket Brian provided that...over and over and over again. At her place after school.
3. Stacey, the black swan who went away to visit her grandmother one summer and came back looking like she'd had a surgical procedure that funneled the fat from her stomach and her thighs straight into her tits n' ass (every girl's dream procedure.) She lost the glasses, lost the braces, and grew out her hair. Every boy in school would have given their bigger testicle to de-virginize this minx. But wet blanket Brian swooped in like a hawk and struck again. Stacey was entangled in this wet blanket. They dated for a year, and even more shocking, is that the only reason they broke up was because she went to Milan to become a model, and she said SHE'D get too jealous being in a long distance relationship.
4. Bianca, the funny, smart, gorgeous perfect human being, who always seemed to have her shit together. She could get any guy - but instead, she got blanketed...by Brian.
You used think that it might have been because he had a big dick. Be it's not. Because you've seen it. And it's not big. It's more of a pencil than a pop can. It's more of a spaghetti than a cannelloni. It's more of a straw than a banana. It's more of a worm than a snake. It's more of a twig than a tree trunk. It's more of a disappointment than anything else.
So you often sit and wonder to yourself - how the fuck does this floppy sock of a man get with all these hot dime pieces, while you can't even convince a grenade grundle chode to accompany you to the fall fair? The answer? We still don't know. Endless studies and experiments have been conducted with no conclusive results. Our hypothesis - ?????????
How Do You Deal?
Just accept that there are some things in life that you will never understand. And wet blankets with hotties are one of them. We think that when you enter the pearly gates of heaven, the answer to this will be whispered in your ear. So suck it up - cuz your shit ain't gettin' tighta'.
And whatever you do, don't settle for the grenade, grundle, chode. Snooki said not to.
Love Forever,
Sh-Bear, C-Monster and Jah-Day
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