The Horse Friend

Everybody's got one.


How You Met:
You knew her before she was the Horse Girl. You knew her in first grade when her obsessive tendencies started to surface in the form of compulsive sticker collecting. The summer of '95, both of your parents and her parents decided to send you two to overnight horse camp for a week. Upon arrival, you quickly started to notice that there was a colossal difference between you and these fucking saddle club bitches. While you mildly enjoyed straddling a large, unpredictable beast that smelled like farts n' hay, these girls seemed to almost be getting off on the idea.

When you watched Stacey brushing Sir Albert's mane, you started to notice her jaw clench and a look come across her face, similar to that of a coke addict about to get his fix. On the way back from camp, in the back of Stacey's mom's minivan, while you were indulging in some minivan mints, all Stacey could talk about were these four-legged creatures and the freaks who ride them. You knew something had changed forever.


How You Know?
Some of you may think that you don't have a horse friend anymore. But you do. You have a horse friend if you have a friend who exhibits any of these behaviours:
1. The majority of their Facebook profile pictures involve a horse, them on their horse, them beside their horse in horse attire, or a black and white photo of them kissing their horse on its filthy carrot-lips.
2. They stalk up on carrots the way neurotic folks stalked up on water during Y2K.
3. Their hair is in a braid 80% of the time, and looks like they may have borrowed Sir Albert's horse comb.
4. They look like a horse.
5. They smell like a horse.
6. They own Black Beauty on VHS, DVD, and Blueray.


Your Relationship Now:
Though you have drifted apart because of endless horse competitions and your complete and utter disgust for her lifestyle choices, you and Stacey have remained friends. And by friends we mean, if you bumped into Stacey at a party, you may be able to have an enjoyable five-minute conversation with her before she starts talking about her horse. But the truth is, if she offered you a ride home in her hairy barn car, you wouldn't take it.

It's not that Stacey's not a nice person, she just didn't have a normal teenage upbringing. While you were getting high in your parents garage and getting felt up by various dip-shits, Stacey was forming a borderline unhealthy attachment to another mammal whose shit she had to clean up. While you were being teased to the point of brutal humiliation by your siblings and peers, Stacey was having one-sided conversations with Sir Albert and the gang. Thus, never realizing what a fucking weirdo she was.

You feel a little bad about this, but sometimes when your friend are over and you guys need a laugh, you show them Stacey's horse pictures - especially the action shots. Nothings funnier than seeing a grown women, in full equestrian gear, taking herself seriously.


How To Deal?
In all seriousness, we love animals too. And we understand that you can have human-like relationships with them. But at some point, in any human to animal or human to human relationship, you have to draw a line.

Thus, this specimen of a friend requires a very ruthless approach, because people who are really fucking lame, usually have no idea. Buy yourself a horse costume, act out a slow and dramatic death to symbolize (in her native tongue) that the ancient practice of horse back riding is a dead art. Feel free to take some artistic merit on your performance; throw in some convulsions and regurgitated carrots. Usually a sneak attack is best, probably at the barn next to Sir Albert. Then laugh hysterically, she will get the hint that horses are silly.

Don't get us wrong, we have passions too - just not fucking lame ones.


This Friend Is Compatible With:
Horses
Other Horse Friends



And For Your Enjoyment:
We have included our favourite vocabulary from the "Horse Glossary"

A.I.- Artificial insemination, the mechanical introduction of semen into the genital tract of the female.

Artificial vagina - A mechanical device with a rubber liner used to collect semen from the stallion.

H.P. - Horsey-Pie

Bowed hocks - a weakness in which the hocks bow outwards when viewed from behind. (This one isn't exclusive to horses.)

Love Forever,
C-Monster, Jah-Day, and Sh-Bear