The Never Gonna "Make It Big" Friend

How You Met:
You were convinced, by your Always Bails On You Friend, to go to a post-punk show at the Big Bop. You make the stupid decision to take a piss, and, before you even buy your first beer, your friend is gone. Thus, leaving you all alone, surrounded by depressed, potentially violent slaves to music, with asymmetrical haircuts and bad tattoos.

You make your way to the bar, thinking, you might as well enjoy a beer to make the $8.75 you paid to get in worth your while. As you sip your bottle of 50, you notice a friendly looking guy hand drumming on the bar, fully immersed in making annoying sounds. Your natural thought process would usually be, "holy shit, this guy wishes he was Dave Grohl...too bad he has no rhythm." But for some reason, you are drawn to this leather choker wearing male.

He notices you looking at him and asks what band you're here to see. You reply, "I just popped two Gravols and I'm not sure how I got here." He looks mildly offended, but laughs at your joke. You instantly hit it off! You realize this rhythmless punk is fucking hilarious. After twenty minutes of chatting, he stands up, touches your shoulder, and says he will be back in a bit. You smile as he walks away - and think "I just made a new friend."

Those pleasant thoughts are interrupted by what sounds like possessed babies banging pots and pans together. You look towards the stage to find, that in fact, it is four grown men, one of which is your new friend, playing in what they would refer to as a band, but what the general public might refer to as offensive noise pollution.


Your Relationship Now:
Duncan (stage name: Drummkin) has played in several bands since you met him 2 years ago. This includes: The Cherry Poppers, The Popped Cherries, Razors in My Eyes, The Dream Sweepers and Satan's Minions. They almost got their hit song, "Kiss My Leprosy," in the top 1000 in 2009. But not quite...actually not even close.

Duncan treats you like gold. You go to all his shows (by yourself, because you are too embarrassed to invite anyone), and you always compliment Satan's Minions on their deep lyrical insights and their energy while performing. Though the band sounds like four guys playing four completely different songs all the time, they are a wonderful group of friends that you want to keep in your life. At most of their after-parties, while drinking whiskey on a rooftop, their sentences almost solely begin with the words, "When we make it big..." And while they promise you new cars, a trip to Cuba and a spot on their tour bus, you don't have the heart to tell them that it is more likely for Roseanne, or John Goodman, to be contracted as a Victoria Secret model than anyone not related to them buying their CD.


How Do You Deal?
You don't. For some reason we have a soft spot for these folks. Their naive hopefulness and pathetic talents really touches our souls. We aren't sure if it is their Prince Albert piercings or their all-red contacts that make us more accepting - but you have to feel sorry for these ass-holes. Usually, they are so delusional that they have not finished high school, or, even had a glimmer of hope for getting a job, because they truly believe in Satan's Minions ability to "wow" audiences around the world. But, as the old wise saying goes, "don't count your eggs while they are still up inside the chickens ass."

So all you can do is be supportive. Go every show, dance to every song, sing to "Kiss my Leprosy" and wear their t-shirts with pride (when you are in the comfort of your own home). Because if there weren't shitty bands in the world there would be no one to make Bon Jovi look good and way more young people actually contributing to society.


Other Types of Never Gonna "Make It Biggers":
We don't want you sucky band folk to think we are just picking on you, so we are going to extend our brutal criticisms to the rest of the artistic/performance world. This group can include:
1. Shitty artists. For some reason they still get art openings in "edgy" coffee shops all over the city. But we can't understand for the life of us why, this "rare" breed of Andy Warhol rip-offs, believes that not only can they steal the concept of pop-art and claim it as their own, but that people will actually fall for this COMPLETE AND TOTAL B.S. again.
2. Bad actor friends. No, you will not get a spot on Degrassi. No, you will not move to L.A. No, you will not help your team win at charades.
3. Brutal comedian. We are laughing AT you.



This Friend is Compatible With:
The Stuck in the Past Friend
The Nothing Ever Changes Friend
The Pipe Dreams Friend

Love Forever,
Sh-Bear, Jah-Day, C-Monster