The One-Up Friend

We have more than you do!

How You Met:
At a kegger in 1st year university, after doing a keg stand in a skirt, you were telling a story about your cat surviving an attack by a family of raccoons. Rachel loved your story! And followed it by a story about her cat driving her family to Florida in their SUV and using its tail to change the cruise control. She swears she's not lying.

Your group of friends loves her because she always has a good story and she is willing to do insane dares to entertain the masses. In the beginning, you too, were infatuated by her hootzpah and her high tolerance for jagger bombs. When you got to know her outside of the party scene though, you realized the only conversations you had were you talking and her trying to top it.

For example, when you tell her you just got an A on a paper and a hot guy asked you out on the subway, she immediately tops it with, her acceptance into med school and Taylor Lautner asking her on a date (we know he's only 16). When you say that you had a bad day because your computer crashed and your parents are getting a divorce, instead of comforting you, she tries to make you feel better by starting a sentence with "That sucks, but you should hear about my day."


Your Relationship Now:
Rachel would say it's the best friendship she's ever been in. You would say, you would rather vomit up old cream than hear another one-up "Rachel stylez." Sometimes it would be nice if she could just listen, and not jerk-off her continual boner full of stories right into your mouth and eyes. But you don't know how to tell her that her cum's only good when you didn't have to get her off with one of your own arousing stories in the first place.


How Do You Deal?:
Our usual approach is to just stop talking to that filthy, stealing vagina scab. But that's no fun. You gotta teach this bitch a lesson she'll never forget. You could try one, or all, of the following:
1. In the middle of her story, interrupt her with a disgusted face and say, "Oh my god! Did you just fart?" Then ask the people around her if they can smell that, and suggest that you move locations.
2. Catch her before she starts her one-up by saying, "Ya Rachel, it's kind of like that time you slept with that circus gremlin and got chlamydia. Did you ever get that cleared up by the way?" That will get rid of her story chubby.
3. As soon as she starts telling a story yell, "FREE BEER IN THE OTHER ROOM!" No one likes her stories more than beer - no one should ever like anything more than beer.
or...
4. Shave her eyebrows off. That shit doesn't grow back that same way EVER again. It's the gift that keeps on giving.


This Friend Is Compatible With:
The Can't Take a Hint Friend
The Friend That Has No Other Friends But You


Love Forever,
Sh-Bear and Jah-Day